A message from the future
Sent to back to myself, circa 2023
I’m from the future. I’m future you here with an ominous warning for you to ignore. Because Lord knows you’ve ignored enough other signs, idiot.
Your enemies are trying to provoke you. If you react, you lose. They want you to make you look bad so that they can blame everything on you to both avoid accountability and give them what they want: plausible justification to ostracize you. My mother and sisters have perfected the art.
Even if you know that is the case going into the argument, at some point the mere fact that they are willing to go to extraordinary lengths to provoke you will make you angry enough to react. Especially when they know the key to provoking you. Because they are covert narcissists. And you are telling uncomfortable truths.
Like they are wrong. They made a mistake. They are overbearing and fragile. They slander with no recourse.
If you make the mistake of being honest with them and reacting in justified anger, then they’ve just nailed you to a brick wall.
Nobody else messes with the woman of the house, not ever. If you do, you must be evil. So has it ever been.
And the minute you show the reaction they are intent upon provoking—anger—they’ve won. It doesn’t matter how egregious the softly spoken lies were…now the only story is your reaction. Most people do not remember the soft words spoken right before an outburst of anger. They only remember the anger, but they had no reason to notice the soft words spoken seconds before the yelling. That doesn’t happen until the yelling starts.
If you yell the truth, nobody will listen. They will want you to shut up and blame you for the escalation. It doesn’t matter that your reaction is because you know exactly what they are doing. It doesn’t matter that you saw this a mile away and you still can’t believe they are so evil that they actually played that card. It doesn’t matter that this one event alone severs your trust so severely that you can never turn your back on them again, not ever.
That is the whole fucking point, dumbass.
It doesn’t matter that they crossed a line they should never approach. Again, that is the entire fucking point. They’re daring you either to react in anger, or ignore their constant and obvious rage-baiting and emasculate yourself just to stay in the family.
They won’t allow a fair hearing of the facts because the facts don’t help them. There is only men are evil, women cannot be evil, men are guilty, no evidence necessary.
They are laying a trap, and if you react with anger, you step in the trap. It doesn’t matter that their act was so egregious that there is no going back to the way things were. It doesn’t matter that you know their intentions because you’ve seen it a thousand times. Nobody else has seen this move. They only see you reacting in anger.
And now you lose.
It doesn’t matter that what they say is false. It only matters that they are playing a game of chicken with your relationship.
This is my mother’s and sisters’ favorite tactic. Oh my god, there is a huge cluster of Cluster B in my family. My therapist says not me… but is she being honest? I’m pretty convincing when I try to be. When I articulate things. But it’s usually not worth it, because the consequences are dire. At least when you react the way that I have.
But is it better to not react in anger? I don’t think I should have to suppress my honest, justifiable anger. I think honestly conveying anger is important. Yelling is a bad strategy, but at least it is honest.
I don’t know if it is because our family is Mormon, but I suspect that plays a large role. The holier-than-thou incentive is real, especially for people who hate you. If you want to make a person disappear, make them angry. They will disappear. They will be shunned. They will be deleted.
Because that kills two birds with one stone. They get higher status because they’re the “righteous” victim. And it eliminates you, dumbass. Your side never gets heard because you yelled about it.
Once a woman “perceives” a threat, it is game over, and you lose. Everybody loves to white knight a damsel in distress. It doesn’t matter that they are full of shit. The minute they pretend they are afraid of you, even if it is just to piss you off, they win.
I cannot stress this enough: It doesn’t matter that your anger is justified. Nobody gives a shit. It just doesn’t matter.
They cannot be bargained with. They cannot be reasoned with. They are there to destroy you, and they will never stop until their work is done.
It does not matter that they are obviously trying to provoke you. If they can convince even one person that you are a threat to them, you will lose all support from your flaky family and friends as soon as she puts on her Oscar-winning performance for the sole intention of claiming you are a physical threat to their safety so that they can eliminate your influence and truth telling.
Nobody gives a shit.
They don’t care that there should be boundaries on the things that are acceptable to say about another human, including lies. They will judge everything on the superficial memories they have, and those are, as we’ve previously discussed, imperfect. The moment was not recorded in their head until your outburst.
They didn’t hear her accuse you of trying to divide your family even though you’re actually trying to arrange to have your day in court and have your story heard for the first time ever by anybody but her husband including her…
They don’t know any of that. They heard you yell and saw you get angry. And their mother is laying it on thick. They don’t know she’s manipulating the room because they haven’t seen this a thousand times growing up in your house because they didn’t grow up in your house. She did, and she’s currently winning the argument trying to get your case dismissed.
She’s succeeding, and she doesn’t have to say another word. In fact, as long as she never says another word, she’s won. So don’t be surprised when she stonewalls you after you try to make peace. She never wanted you in her life in the first place, don’t you get it? She would rather cut you out of her life than allow you to tell a story of mother on son abuse. That’s probably because she’s just as overbearing as our mother. If you are the kind of person who holds people accountable for their actions, that’s why you’re not welcome.
It doesn’t matter that the rational response is to take this personally, because it is personal. It doesn’t matter that she slandered you. Tears and pretend fears always beat yelling. People turn off their brain when you start yelling. They don’t want to be on your side, anyway, because they (like most people) want to believe the best in people. So, if, apropos of nothing (to them), you loudly say any word, like “No” to that person they want to love, they’re going to be biased. It makes a lot of sense.
Never mind the fact that their slanderous lies are so egregious that they deserve to be punished. Never mind the fact that your entire story is about the time this exact thing almost derailed your life when your mother did it. Never mind that she actually agrees that the mother you share in common is abusive. Her goal is to say whatever it takes for you to give her plausible justification to cut you out of her life.
She will forever be able to hide behind that and point back at you and claim to be afraid. She will side with a known liar and manipulator in order to manipulate you out of her life. Because she’s jealous of your real friendship with her husband, a spark she hasn’t shared with him in a long time.
Nobody cares about that, dumbass. They’re after your credibility.
It doesn’t matter that they’re accusing you of the things they are actually doing to you. It doesn’t matter that they are happy to divide the family and you are there to tell the story of the mother you hold in common, who has done the same thing to her,
A Mormon man is almost, by definition, too weak to stand up to his wife. He probably got married around the age of 21 and does not have a pre-nup in place. If this crazy bitch is willing to cut her brother out of her life—in the name of keeping the family together—she’s definitely willing to cut the husband out of her life if he takes her side.
So he’s not going to be thinking rationally because he cannot afford to stand up for the truth, or she might cut his balls off and take the house.
She can’t be bargained with. She can’t be reasoned with. And she can take him for all he’s worth, and she’s shown her willingness to do so.
Plus, now she’ll be the only voice in his ear. History will be completely rewritten, many times over, until the story is completely warped from its original state. Memories rewritten, over and over.
Even if they heard her lies, they don’t care, dumbass! Nobody’s ever stood up to her and won. Certainly not with a completely justified angry reaction. Not in this matriarchy, dumbass.
Their religion gives them a 100% guaranteed answer: Feelings are the only facts, in Mormonism. If you respond with anything other than joy at her betrayal, you’re going to lose. She only needs to claim they are afraid, and you will be disappeared forever.
The whole point is to get you to react, dumbass. They’re trying to take your credibility. Don’t give it to them.
Nothing drives them crazier than being successfully dismissed as the crazy unreasonable bitches that they are. Holier than thou credit is the ultimate status in the Relief Society, and if you’ve got “victim” bona fides… well then, you MUST be really righteous for Satan to attack you this way.
Just look at how evil that man is. I’m so glad you survived that fateful encounter with yelling. Why, you could’ve perished right there, I’m sure!
Because in Mormonism, vibes rule. Vibes are in charge. And vibes are actually God giving you a personal revelation, just like he did for Joseph Smith. Anybody who would deny that is not just wrong, but evil.