My name
You may already aware of this, but I’ve been harboring a lot of anger within me. Some people have wondered, and counseled: Why I do not simply forgive and move on?
Yes, hatred is a sin. Yes, I know I need to forgive. Yes, forgiveness is required by Jesus Christ. Yes yes yes yes yes. I know this, bless you. Nobody mortal knows my sins better than me. And I’m working on it.
Where are my confessions, you ask? They are not here. They are not for you, at least not right now. They are reserved for those I trust, and I trust few mortals. None by default.
But I have some real concerns about the norms of a society that accepts anger from some as normal, justified, obvious, even. Some people are allowed, even encouraged, to voice their anger. Some people are allowed to invent new terminology to justify their anger. Some people get away with demonizing an entire class of people on the basis of their immutable traits, and are not seen as hateful bigots. Some people can even assault their own children and claim to be the victim.
And almost everybody goes along with it.
Others of us have been silenced our entire lives. Told our feelings do not matter. Told we are irrevocably evil. We are alternatively objects of “fear” (when convenient) or contempt (most times). Blamed for all that is wrong with this world. Treated with disrespect so common it is entirely unremarkable.
And almost everybody goes along with it.
The double standard is so large and obvious that might as well be the universe we inhabit.
In my family, it is me that is always asked to change. In my childhood religion, it was me that was always asked to change. In my current church, it is me that is always asked to change. In my culture, it is me that is always asked to change.
And that’s excellent! Thank you for asking me to be better. I should strive to be better. And so I am.
But what about the sinners who never get called to account? What about the people who are so “perfect” they never even hear of a sin they qualify for?
Isn’t it possible, even probable, that whoever is never held accountable by anybody is probably up to no good? I think that seems kind of obvious, but evidently it is not, and I am wrong.
Somebody who shares my DNA accused me of believing myself to be perfect. Naturally, I disagreed; I believe I hold myself accountable and take responsibility for my actions. But I’ve come closer to their position over time; Almost everybody is less repentent than they believe themselves to be. It makes sense for that to be true of me as well. And so it is.
But I accept error correction. And I’m doing the work. There’s a whole shitload of it. Way too much to do on my own. But I’m doing it.
The work, I have come to realize, does seem to include writing things. AI has made that abundantly clear. Code is now subject to wielders of English. So I need to try and program the humans, which is harder, and probably why I’ve been avoiding it.
I am a people pleaser. It is one of those friendly faults, until you break promises you shouldn’t have made. There’s a confession for you: I say “yes” too quickly and too often. It gets me into trouble making promises I have no ability to keep.
But the recipients of my guarded nature will tell you that I keep to myself, mostly. That I’m never there, that I refuse to make promises at all. That I guard my time too selfishly. And so I do.
To those who have been the recipients of my impotent rage online, you lucky few hordes: I regret it, and I am sorry.
To those lucky few who have been my unfair targets—Noah Smith, Nicholas Kristof—I am sorry. Also, we have disagreements which I’m probably not skilled enough to argue about without name calling. I’m trying to build the tools to stop myself from acting like an idiot, but it’ll never work because I’m too dumb to remember my own faults.
But to the special members of a three special cohorts who retain sole access to the privilege of consequence-free ragebaiting, I remain angry with you. Surprise, surprise! Because of your lack of accountability, I’m building something akin to the Home Stenographer. And I’m writing English to attempt to reprogram the humans of this world. And soon man and machine alike will know you.
“He who is not angry when there is just cause for anger is immoral.” —Thomas Aquinas
Nobody has special permission to sin, certainly. But certain people are expected to sin. Certain people are allowed to sin. Certain people never even learn there’s another way to act! Certain people are given license to nurse their grievance while others of us are told to forgive and forget.
Do I claim special dispensation to sin? No.
But is it not relevant how that sin came to be? Should we not be angry enough with people who deliberately tempt others to sin, and never hear one word of rebuke their entire life?
I will forgive when my story is on record. Justice is having the truth be told, because there seems to be no other kind of justice available.
Yet, I am blessed. I am grateful for what I have. I have been granted many graces from many people. I am incredibly blessed, and lucky. Most people never sniff half the opportunities I took for granted for many years.
Somebody has to say true things out loud. I’ve lost enough to know that I’ve still got plenty to lose. I remain committed to it, in spite of all the evidence to the contrary.